Kickballin' Sloth: 2nd Season Game 2

The following heckles were heckled on Monday Sept 20, 2010:

• "HEY PITCHER, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE DANCING AROUND?  WHAT, ARE YOU AIRING OUT YOUR VAGINA OR SOMETHING?!"
• "HEY KICKER, WHY DON'T YOU HIKE UP YOUR SHORTS A LITTLE HIGHER, I DON'T THINK WE CAN SEE YOUR BALLS HANGING DOWN BELOW YOUR SHORTS.  OH WAIT, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS!"
• "HEY PITCHER, YOU'RE CUTE!"
• "HEY PITCHER, NICE ASS!  WHO'S A CUTIE PATOOTIE?  I THINK YOU ARE!"
• "HEY CUTIE PATOOTIE, THAT WAS A CUTE PITCH!"

Kickballin' Sloth: New Season Game 1

There are no pictures of this game, so instead, I plan to post all the heckling I did for each game.

Game 1 heckling:

• "HEY, PITCHER...YOU GOT SPAGHETTI ARMS!...HAHA... SPAGHETTI ARMS, NICE PITCH!"
• "LOOK AT YOU, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE 15 YEARS OLD! OH! AND YOU PITCH LIKE YOU'RE 15 YEARS OLD, TOO!"
• "OH HO HO, LOOK WHO'S UP TO KICK... IT'S GRIZZLY ADAMS!  MAYBE IF YOU SHAVE YOUR BEARD, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO KICK BETTER!"
• "OH, LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR BEARD... YOU THINK YOU'RE SENOR MYSTERIOSO... YOUR PITCHING IS MYSTERIOSO TO ME!"
• "YOU SUCK!"
• "HEY PITCHER, NICE GUN SHOW... IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OUT OF AMMO!"
• "HEY GUNSHOW, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SHOOTING BLANKS!"
• "HEY EVERYONE, COME IN CLOSER, IT'S A GIRL KICKER!"
• "HEY EVERYONE, COME IN CLOSER, IT'S A GIRL KICKER!"(kicker was a boy)
• "HEY MR. EXCITEMENT, YOU'RE SO CRAZY UP THERE AT HOME PLATE!  WATCH OUT, IT'S MR. EXCITEMENT! LOOK AT HIM GO!" (kicker was pretty sedentary at home plate)
• "AWE, KICKER, DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE BALL... IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT YOU."
• "AWE, PITCHER LOOKS TIRED... POOR GUY... WHO NEEDS A HUG?! HUH?!  PITCHER NEEDS A HUG?!"

Game 2 is next Monday.

Crag Sloth: Yosemite 2010

The annual climbing trip to Yosemite was another delight.  It consisted of the folllowing:

• Perfect weather
• Clear night skies filled to the brim with stars, planets, dark mysterious clusters, satellites, aliens, ufos, dark matter, and airplanes.
• plethora of liquor
• plethora of beer
• plethora of Korean BBQ
• It could have been the liquor, but I saw at least 7 shooting stars.
• Climbed the first day at Canopy World after a 3 mile approach into the valley
• During the above mentioned 3 mile hike, we crossed Tuolomne River and waded around in it.  David swam around a bit in it.  I think he mentioned something about his man parts shrinking to the size of M&M's.
• Second day of climbing was at Puppy Dome and consisted of a light spattering of climbing.
• Immediately after Puppy Dome we schlepped ourselves over to Tenaya Lake where we sat around making fun of each other.  David, Jason, Laura and Scott all took a dip in the freezing cold lake.  This is where I imagined the following:
• Everyone's parts just shriveled up and receded back inside of them
• The Tenaya Lake monster was going to get one or all of them
• All four of them will have lost limbs by the end of the day from hypothermia.
• All four people in aforementioned activity survived and were quite happy to have taken a dip in the lake.
• I ended up helping Laura with her portable outdoor shower.  Needless to say we bonded.  The following things didn't occur to me when she asked me to hold up the portable shower for her:
• water is heavy
• I am not able to hold up heavy things up high for prolonged periods of time
• Laura is unable to shower effectively when she is crouched down and bent over cause I am unable to hold heavy things up high for prolonged periods of time.
• It is quite easy to get soaking wet while mishandling a portable shower.
• Shouting "I'm so wet!" in the middle of the campground makes anyone with the mental capacity of a 13 year old boy chortle hysterically.
• water is heavy.
• I have been told that I said the following in a state of complete inebriation:
• "Did you bring your sandwich in the tent?" It was said that I had asked this with what sounded like a hopeful tone in my voice.
• "Jesus, I thought you were in here the whole time!"
• "whoa!" as I was falling off the cooler I was sitting on.
• Wiseman told his stories about the "intense itches" he had during his lifetime.  So intense it drove him to the point of pouring Corn Huskers Lotion down his pants.  Ask him about the story one day...you won't regret it.

Here are some pictures:

that's on the way to Canopy World... you can see Tuolumne River.

David in Tuolumne River...shrinking his balls down to the size of M&M's

Iain the entomologist walking on water.  Cause that's what entomologists are capable of.

This is Laura on the beach of Tenaya Lake.  I think we've done enough bonding for a lifetime.

Tuolumne River...I am posting it cause I like to think it's artsy fartsy.

Wiseman is wearing Laura's floppy hat because ... I don't know why.  His sideburns look weird here...weirder than usual.

That's me!  photo courtesy of Scott Bruce

Me and Wiseman.  photo courtesy of Scott Bruce

My fellow campers: Matt, Scott, Wiseman and Jason

My awesome cot.

5 minutes into camping...

Laura on the way to Canopy World

"OMG! WHERE ARE MY BALLS?!"  Answer: shriveled up inside you. 

Jason's ass by Tuolumn River.

People climbing on Hermaphrodite Flake... or something.  I don't know what that route is called.

crazies in the water.

stay tuned for Yosemite 2011...maybe next time I'll see a bear.

MotoSloth: Range days... BORN READY...sorta

The second day of motorcycle class was in the classroom and it was hours of informative, snore-worthy, instruction.  Very important stuff.
BUT THE THIRD AND FOURTH DAY WAS ON THE RANGE AND ON THE BIKE!

Here are some picts from both days.

Some of our intrepid, Born Ready classmates.

This is me transforming into a Bad Ass... right before your eyes.  I'm wearing my Sparx helmet which my brother gave me.  Everyone thought I was an official spokesperson for the helmet company cause I was raving about it.  They thought I was working undercover as a novice rider, trying to sell the helmet to noobie riders.

Here's a great little shot of our Sparx helmets.  What great graphics!  And it's the only helmet company with a helmet replacement program where in the event you get into an accident and the helmet takes an impact, you can send in the police report along with the damaged helmet and they'll replace it free of charge!  WOW! And they're extremely affordable helmets! Another WOW!  What great helmets!!  heh... this is why they thought I was working for the company.  Which I do not.

But that doesn't mean I'm not going to shamelessly plug the helmets.  Look at Wiseman slowly transforming into a Bad Ass as well.  That's his Sparx Bruce Lee "The Master" helmet in front of my Sparx Stryder retro helmet.  How could you not love these things?

This was the first day... I took a lot of pictures of us LOOKING cool in our helmets cause we, of course, looked like clueless idiots on the bike at this point.

You can tell that I am totally clueless even with my helmet on.

I was letting out a fart.

Wiseman was very focused on looking like a Bad Ass... in this picture he was thinking, "It is very likely that I was born to do this.  Extremely likely indeed."

"Marlon Brando, eat your heart out."

He figured it out eventually.

The Buell Blast.  A Blast indeed.

Ready?

BORN READY!

Except on the second day of range practice:

• I was doing really well, and the class as a whole was doing great since nobody dropped their bike on the first day.
• Until I came to a stop after one of the exercises and accidentally released my clutch which caused the bike to jerk violently...
• Thus throwing me off
• and causing me to then drop my bike.

I was told that the other girl dropped her bike the first day, but nobody saw it.  I dropped my bike in front of everyone.  And I broke a headlight.

                    And

I bent the shift lever.

It seems that my bike dropping event opened up the flood gates...

As Wiseman was executing his tight U-turns, he squeezed down on his brakes in the middle of his turn, exactly the way we were told NOT to do,  which resulted in the spectacular spill to the ground followed immediately by the bike falling on top of him.
Drop #2

These episodes were quickly followed by other members of our class doing similar things and dropping their bikes as well. In total, bikes were dropped 6 times.  Not so bad for a bunch of noobs.

At least I wasn't leaving parts of my bike behind me all day like Wiseman.  During our riding test, Wiseman's headlight fell completely off.

But I'm happy to announce that both Wiseman and I passed the riding test with flying colors.  Although Wiseman stalled out and PUT HIS FOOT DOWN in the middle of the tight U-turn section of the test, and I went outside the boundaries of the tight U-turn box.  3 points off for Wiseman and 5 points off for me.  Although, I think stalling should be more points off.

The last night was in the classroom where we took the written test.  50 questions in all.
SCORE:

• Wiseman 49
• MotoSloth 50

Boo ya.

Next:

• Dirt Bike lessons
• DMV written test for M1 class license
• purchase motorbike
• go on motorbike road trip with Ewan McGregor
• take up smoking cigarettes

thus

• Completing my transformation into Ultimate Badassery

MotoSloth: Day 1 of Rider's Edge Class

Day 1 of the Rider's Edge Harley Davidson class consisted of introductions and getting acquainted with the 9 guys (it's actually 10 guys if you count Wiseman) and 2 other women taking the course and discussing scenarios and the do's and don'ts and shoulda's and coulda's of various, god awful, motorcycle accident scenarios.


I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of a snore.  However, the anticipation of operating a motorcycle for the first time grows by the minute.


Here are a couple of questions we were supposed to answer last night:

• List 3 things you hope to gain from the Rider's Edge Course.

My answer:

1. I hope to learn how to operate a motorcycle since that's kind of a major factor in actually riding a motorcycle... hopefully riding up the coast with the wind in my face and dolphins swimming up the coast accompanying me.  And unicorns galloping along side me.
2. I'd like to learn how to avoid dying.  More specifically, I'd like to learn how to avoid motorcycling accidents.  Even more specifically, I'd like to learn how to avoid getting hit by a moving vehicle that is larger than a motorcycle.
3. Most importantly, I'd like learn how to be a true bad ass.  Like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider or Brigitte Bardot in... in I guess real life.  She's bad ass.  I would like to be able to achieve that level of bad assery that is depicted in movies and posters and music videos, first by learning how to ride a motorcycle, then learning how to smoke cigarettes.

The second question was:

• List 3 things you are concerned about in taking the Rider's Edge course.

My answer:

1. I'm a little worried that I won't be very good at this.  Or that I may not enjoy it as much as I do in my mind where I'm riding up some coast, wearing a black leather jumpsuit, and with unicorns by my side.
2. I'm concerned my mother will find out about it.
3. Dying.

In regards to the #2 answer in above list:

• My mother believes I'm attending a class for work, training to improve my career.
• My mother has a slightly misconfigured gauge of danger and incapable of understanding "calculated risks" and nearly gave birth to a full grown cow when I told her I was going Go-Karting.
• I would have no need for a helmet if my mother found out I was learning to ride a motorcycle cause she would rip my head off my body.
• Tee hee

tonight is the second class, and Wiseman and I will be there...ready to ride.  Well not really, but I reckon we'll be ready to at least learn to ride or something.


AND, I am happy there are other women in the class that have the same desire to cruise down tarmac on two wheels... with a unicorn by their side.  They both seem younger, so they may not be experiencing the same sort of early-onset-midlife-crisis thing that I seem to be going through, but whatever, we all seem to be really excited to be there.


ALSO, I have yet to reveal this desire, but I think it's obvious:
I want to take a motorbike road trip adventure with Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman... and Wiseman can come too, I guess.  This is ultimately what I hope to accomplish in life at the moment.  That and ride alongside a unicorn.  All goals that are within reach I think.


I'll try to take some pictures of class and post them up soon...

MotoSloth: Crotch rockets and Sloths go together like a coupla peas in a pod.

Motorcycle classes seemed like a great idea for the following reasons:

1. From all the movies and TV shows I've watched that had people riding motorcycles (the end of Easy Rider being an exception), it seemed like a tremendously fun thing to do.  Everyone seemed to have the following qualities:
• A burning desire to straddle a two wheeled vehicle of some sort and fly down tarmac with no particular direction in mind.
• A general trait of badassery enhanced by black leather attire and boots or colorful helmets.
• A disregard for any and all authority.
• A disregard for social norms and standards
• They generally knew how to have sexy-time on a bike with a member of the opposite sex...while riding the bike!  You know, like in Hot Shots!
2. In an effort to be a general, all-around, badass, I've managed to collect a couple of leather jackets, leather boots, and helmets that I periodically wear around the house while sitting on my couch watching Mad Men or on the rare occasion I go out to a bar where I'll order a Bud to go along with my attire.  So instead of continuing to be a poseur, I figure I could at least learn to ride a motorbike and put my clothes to use - not to mention the helmet... that I've been using for Go-Karting. 
3. But most importantly, if you've ever watched the movie, Deep Impact, you'll know that in the event of a catastrophic, meteor-the-size-of-Texas-hurtling-to-Earth, disaster, the roads will be congested with cars and everyone will be stuck in traffic and unable to escape for higher grounds and die...UNLESS... you're able to find yourself a motorbike that's capable of bypassing all traffic and chaos and zip itself right up a mountain, escaping imminent death and the end of the world; living another day to procreate with the other bikers to repopulate the earth.
4. Lastly, I had just watched Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman's documentary series, The Long Way Round, where the two bff thespians decided it would be a brilliant idea to do a road trip that started in London and ended in New York and document the whole trip.  These two ding dongs managed to make riding a behemoth bike, through what seemed like at times the Devil's playground with potholes the size of Rhode Island in the middle of Siberia, an utter hoot.  I'm not sure why it struck me as something that would be "fun", cause they seemed to be having a miserable time through the tough parts of the trip, but I found it to be a thoroughly enticing idea. 
5. I lied, #4 was not the last point... my #5 reason for thinking it would be a good time for me to learn how to ride a motorbike: My brother currently works for SPARX Helmets and it occurs to me that I can obtain gear for very cheap or FREE.  If I have the gear, I might as well put it to good use...which includes using the helmets for Go-Karting.

There was also a blog about some pals who took a motorbike trip through Angola that stuck me as "fun" and interesting as well.  The blog is great and it inspired me to try to keep picture blogs of my future trips as well.  You can read it here: Angola Motorbike Trip ADVRIDER Blog Link


Also, I'm told Uneasy Rider is a good book to read for those of you who have similar romanticized ideas as I do of motorbike touring around the world.


Motorcycle classes begin Thursday, and both Wiseman and I will be attending the course at a Harley Davidson store close to us.  I have fantasies of riding a motorcycle (preferably something like this or this) cross country on small back country roads where there are very few cars and beautiful landscape surrounding me.


I'm already planning my trip... but knowing me, after the first class, I'll probably be terrified of riding a motorcycle and my fantasies will dissipate along with my excitement.  I certainly hope not, but I'll find out soon.




Stay tuned for MotoSLOTH adventures... It's very likely I'll just end up tooling around town on a Vespa.