Cinema Sloth: The Runaways

In an attempt to revisit and possibly reignite that feeling of grrrl power that has waned over the years, I went to a theater near me and watched The Runaways.

For someone who asks "What Would Joan Jett Do?" as the deciding factor for almost every decision in her life... "Would I like to super size that drink?  Why YES, I would.  Cause after I'm done drinking it, I'll have more to pee out onto your counter!  YEAH, CAUSE THAT'S WHAT JOAN JETT WOULD DO!  boo ya!" - Anyway, I was excited to watch The Runaways movie.

I hoped to walk away from the movie with at least one of the following:

• rejuvenated by the power of an all girl rock n' roll band
• empowered and ready to castrate the first male I see
• a familiar drive to start up a grrrl band 
• a desire to learn to play the guitar...again.
• to feel like I could walk into work Friday morning and don't give a damn about my bad reputation.

I walked into that theater wanting to see this:

Bad Ass.


But instead got this:

Cream puffed sized affectation of above mentioned bad-assery.

And when the movie started, I suddenly realized I had failed to take into account the following:

• the girl from the Twilight movies is playing Joan Jett
• Holy Shit, is that Dakota Fanning??
• Holy Shit, is that Dakota Fanning playing a strung out, corset bound, Cherie Curie??
• They are not really The Runaways
• oh my god... Dakota Fanning... mine eyes.

This girl:

who was in this movie:

was playing the character depicting this flower petal:

I love Cherie Curie, and I actually like Dakota Fanning - but the two together just broke my head.
So after watching The Runaways, I walked away from the movie feeling nothing but superbly disturbed.  Little Dakota... in a sex scene with Kristen Stewart... and wearing underwear and a corset on stage while belting Cherry Bomb and ...oh god... tomorrow, I will be watching "All That Jazz".
I bet that's what Joan Jett did after she saw Dakota strutting around in fishnets and a corset, snorting lines out of her palm...
It just sucks the PUNK right out of you.
Although, I have to say, I loved the opening scene of the movie... that was about all I liked about it.

Recreational Sloth: Go Karting Galore

My thoughts on Go-Karting prior to last weekend:

• Go-Karting is something only ten year olds do cause they can't drive real cars.
• Go-Karting is silly and only fun for 10 year old kids who have nothing better to do on a Saturday night.
• I was absolutely sure there were better ways to spend my Saturday nights than to wait in line for a chance to tool around in a Go-Kart.

However, after last Saturday's tromp to Go Kart World, I am convinced of the following:

• Lipana, Wiseman, and I must start a professional Go-Kart team.
• We must always bring our very own Sparx helmets cause they're badass... as you can see in the pictures below - 

• It helps to have awesome graphics on your helmet... Lipana's helmet had dragons and scantily dressed girls on it.  Wiseman's helmet had Bruce Lee on it.  And mine was a retro helmet...that I love.
• There's nothing cooler than bringing your own helmets to a Go-Karting venue.
• There's nothing cooler than bringing your own helmets to a Go-Karting venue where you're 30 years older than everyone.  Well for me I guess it was more like 15 years older than everyone.
• Go-Karting is actually a thrilling experience with moments of utter fear because you've spun out in the middle of a blind turn with no way of moving your go-kart out of the way from oncoming go-kart traffic!
• I will be Go-Karting on a regular basis ... because we will start a professional league.

 Lipana set to go.

That's me... getting in the go-kart... cause - I FEEL THE NEED, THE NEED FOR 42mph SPEED!

Stay tuned for more Go-Karting Sloth...

Work Sloth: NAB 2010 Las Vegas

Every Year I try to attend a convention called NAB (National Association of Broadcasters).  It is:

• a gigantic convention for companies to display new technologies for broadcasters, television, radio, blah blah.
• a gigantic gathering of geeks in the entertainment and media industry.
• an excuse to go drink free cocktails at the roulette table while you gamble your paycheck away.

I prefer driving out to Las Vegas for this particular event because of the following:

• The airport is generally a mad house because people from all over the world fly in for this convention.
• costs about as much to fly as it does to drive.
• I can leave whenever I want.
• And I quite enjoy the drive.

HOWEVER, this particular time... I...

• Got pulled over
• Got a ticket

Here are some facts:

• I set my cruise at 80mph.  

I know this sounds like a lie, but here are the reasons for my doing this:

1. every year there's roughly 200 gazillion people who drive to this convention from Los Angeles.
2. knowing this is the second largest convention Las Vegas hosts, state troopers are always on high alert on the highways.
3. I know these things and would prefer not to get a ticket, thus jacking up my already ridiculously high insurance.

so... facts cont'd:

• a red Toyota happily blew by me at the precise moment the state trooper apparently "clocked" me at 94mph.
• at the time I noticed the state trooper starting to pull out into the highway, I had just passed him on the other side of a semi truck... which was impeding his view of my car when he had supposedly "clocked" me.
• I assumed he was pulling out to go after the obviously speeding red Toyota.
• But I was obviously wrong.
• I disputed him with the aforementioned facts.
• However, Officer Kruptky informed me that he is, in fact, trained to, first and foremost, hone his visual spidey senses to apprehend speed violators.
• Officer Kruptky was adamant about my 94mph speed.

BUT I find it strange that, after much dispute he:

• CITED ME AT 85mph RATHER THAN THE 94mph HE DEMANDED I WAS DOING!

REALLY?
Why would he do that if he was so sure I was doing 94mph?
What, he thought my contentious attitude was charming?? 

Damn straight I'm going to dispute this ticket, Officer Kruptky...see you in hell - better known as Nevada.  Maybe I can get the court case transferred to Los Angeles.  I don't know how these things work...CAUSE I'VE NEVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET IN NEVADA IN THE 100 TIMES THAT I'VE DRIVEN THROUGH THE STATE.  That should tell ya somethin'.


On the bright side, I'm up $100.
Lesson learned:

• You gotta lose big to win big.

or

• You gotta risk it to win the biscuit.

and

• Gambling is a stupid thing.

Oh... and NAB - the rave:

• 3D
• 3D
• 3D

I'm not sure how big 3D is going to be.  I have a feeling it's going to be something like Laser Discs:

• Short lived
• a novelety in a couple of years

  I'm putting my $100 on holographic technology.  "help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope..."

 
And I'm putting $100 on black.  Or $50 on black and $50 on red.

Salami the dog: One family's trash is Salami's treasure.

I have a dog.  She is the following:

• Named Salami. Inspired by the character "Salami" from the television series, The White Shadow.  This show:
• ran from 1978 to 1981.  I wasn't even born yet.
• was executive produced by Bruce Paltrow.
• is about a white basketball coach at an inner city high school called Carver High.
• is a show that few people remember so it's not worth writing anymore about it.

Salami (cont'd)

• very food motivated.  This plays an important part in the reason behind my post.
• is 8 years old.
• has a much younger boyfriend named Ollie.
• is a cockapoo.
• is the cutest dog.
• is #1

This is Salami:

 

This is Ollie:

This is Salami and Ollie: They are frenemies.

We often leave the two home together when we go out to dinner, which is exactly what we did Friday night.

However, on this particular night, one of them was unusually hungry.

We came home from dinner to find an overturned trash can with the bag emptied out onto the kitchen floor.  And one of the two canine mutts had the sweet stench of BBQ sauce emanating from their mouth and front paws.

TaDa...

 

Salami's snout and paws stank with all the evidence any of us needed. My only question is: What the hell was Ollie doing?  Personally, I think he set Salami up.  But none of us will ever know for sure.

According to my brother and sister-in-law, the trash can contained:

• 3 pork ribs
• 2 chicken drummettes
• 1 chicken wing
• 3 eggshells
• and god knows whatever else.

I know I just wrote that list, but let's just recap for emphasis:

• 3 pork ribs
• 2 chicken drummettes
• 1 chicken wing
• 3 eggshells

We were unable to locate any of the above listed items.  Well that's not entirely true, I found half of an eggshell.

With the urging of my brother, I called the vet the next morning and made an appointment to get her checked out.  The Vet suggested Xrays.

After examining Salami's Xrays, the Vet concluded:

• "Uh... yeah... Salami definitely got into the trash alright."
• there are definitely shards of bone inside her intestine.
• fortunately, the shards are small enough that they don't have to be extracted, and can instead be passed through the system naturally.

Here's Salami's Xray:(click on picts for larger view)

The Vet pointed out the shards:

This was concerning indeed... I leaned in closer to have a better look and noticed some more oddities...

The diet she's been on may have turned her into a monster.  In addition to eating the items in the trash can, Salami has ingested other things, too.  It turns out that this was not her first time...to feast.
I zoomed in on the anomalies and enhanced the images:

 Dear God.